chain of events: change of plans

through a tragic sort of chain of events, my situation for the fall is shaping up quite differently than i previously imagined. i am heartbroken for the hearts that are broken, but i am finally in a place where i feel it is safe to be mildly optimistic for next year. God works in mysterious ways- this path is twisted worse than an extravagant fairytale. my plans are not solidified- not even close- but my visions are ever-changing. that is a start.

recap

this weekend was nice

my dear melissa stayed two nights. movies, shopping, eating, talking.
sunday i spent time with C, and we ended up going with Luke to get his first tattoo.

see? pretty
shopping recap & pics coming soon. i'm also scouting new music today.
lovely latest post on my favorite color is shiny

outfit, baking

hey yall

of course, the primary focus here is the food, right? blogger.com seems to think so- it won't upload my pictures in order!

outfit:

white mens v-neck (endlessly useful- my essential piece!)

black H&M skirt with ripped hem (a DIY job by Bradley)

my new kick-A** gladiator sandals, by maddengirl

did a touch of gold jewelry

i just love these!!

oh, and food

these photos really don't do them any favors (i'm still waiting to get a proper camera), but i got the urge to bake this morning, and we had a box of oat-bran-cinnamon muffin mix lying around. never content to just make the recipe, i decided to make an apple-raisin variation. our applesauce was blueberry flavored, but it turned out to lend them a nice twist of flavor. and i added poppyseeds on top, just because i like them. they are very dense and moist- perfect for breakfast!

...

other thoughts

• going from only having to take care of moi (at college) to maintaining a household of five (here) is quite a change...i have had to adapt- i told myself it would be hard, and i do not see it growing any easier. but it makes it worse when i get not even close to a thank-you. i (self-admittedly) already have a somewhat negative attitude when it comes to my family, and their being in this house is taking advantage of the work i am doing for my mom- i feel like a cinderella. there is no reason for me doing a good bit of the work that falls on me, with a perfectly capable 10-yr-old and 14-yr-old living here also (not to mention a full-grown man). i try to make the best of it, for my mother's sake, but we (withing the family, not necessarily just me) still have near-daily "episodes"...fights about something or another. yesterday i had my younger sister screaming in my face that she hated me and did not wish to go with me anywhere, for a whole host of reasons. i am not so callous that it did not hurt. i don't want to go down as the big bad mean older sister...but i'm not entirely sure how to change that (can it be wholly remedied?). i do not share this to let off steam, or incite pity...i'm just trying to say that i'm trying to be mature about it (and not whine and moan), as best as i know how.


• my hair is green! well, almost. i'm just very paranoid about brassiness. luckily for me, in the very close mall there is a paul mitchell school salon, with discount prices! (because it's done by supervised students). i can't wait till i have enough money saved, and my hair is healthy enough, so i can go get it fixed! brass, be gone!


• my dear melissa is coming to see me this weekend. the forecast: working out, thrift store shopping, independent local coffee shop, and the mall. hopefully it will be a great time.


• i have not started a blogroll yet (on my list), but i just have to mention ginny branch's blog, my favorite color is shiny. i forget how i happened upon it, buy i have been continually blessed by ginny's artistic musings and grateful, imaginative, optimistic attitude.
• also amazing is simply breakfast. as a huge breakfast lover (well, food lover in general- yall know me), i was delighted to find this site. great idea, tantalizing pictures, never over-done, always tasteful.
• well, i've been writing this at the library, since our internet (or lack thereof) is on the blitz. blogger.com is still not very cooperative, so sorry for the lack of pictures i would have included. my mother is ready to get back home- we haven't had lunch yet. i'm excited for the tofu i have been marinading in teriyaki since last night!! i think i will check out some bridal magazines...a dreamy escape.
  

the latest

i am quite lonely here. but i've been trying to keep myself occupied.

as a close friend is virtually dropping out of my life, i wonder to myself if this is God clearing some space for some new magnificent friendships, or romances?

i do not believe that is wishful thinking.

listening:

Emery. this band is awesome, one of my all-time favorites. enough said.

"I'm Only a Man" is their newest CD, and I LOVE it.

reading:

"A Piece of Cake: A Memoir" by Cupcake Brown. The bright sprinkle cover initially attracted me to this one. I've had it from the library for a few weeks, but only cracked it yesterday. I have not been disappointed. Remember there is always someone worse off than you. Cupcake Brown is a masterful storyteller. She has endured so much, and come such a long way...and the book is not stuffy at all-in fact, it's a very lively, if sometimes depressing, read. Anyway, I am enjoying it immensely.

eating:

grilling veggie burgers from Morningstar Farms

frozen blackberries with whipped cream cheese

i had sugar-free vanilla frozen custard from Milwaukee Frozen Custard last night (with chocolate sprinkles! i LOVE sprinkles). it was divine.

i have my eye on the fresh-cranked peanut butter from Whole Foods. It expires in a week? Not a problem!

i want to start making my own granola/trail mix. what should i include?

surreallistic

my life is surreal.
and i don't say that to be different, or unique, or validated.
almost every event of my day-to-day life these past few months could never have been predicted a year ago.
snapshots:
folding my mom's wheelchair and heaving it into the trunk of the car multiple times a day, for every excursion
going for a run with my ex-boyfriend (who i have managed to stay friends with, by God's plan) and another great high school friend
re-connecting with a girl who i believed had abandoned me
facing cancer (not my own, but another's)
being practically homeless
emptying my mother's bedside potty every night without a second thought
trying to run a household with no fixed income
sitting at a church potluck, surrounded by all the elderly ladies, truly blessed by their company (as opposed to sitting with other college-aged kids)

i do not list these things to bring forth pity.
i just have these moments where i step back, and shake my head
how did this happen? how did it come to this? where is it going from here?
and no one really has the answers

love of my evening

it was just a short run. the sky was pinky-purple, tempered with dusky blue, fading into night. it has been unusually cool these past few days, and the time of sunset was near-perfect. i never realized i missed the running (after being sidelined for a week and a half) until i started again.

today
shopping:
i think i have finally found a pair of gladiator sandals that not only fit, but also i can actually afford! if i return to purchase them, they will most likely be my splurge purchase of the summer

listening:
"Yummy" by Gwen Stefani. it's so catchy (if in a slightly cheesy way), and great for running

reading:
i sat in the border's for at least an hour catching up on current magazines. i didn't mean to buy anything, but i couldn't bear to put down july's "elle" with the mary-kate cover, or the june/july "domino". it's just great- every feature. i really liked the current "vanity fair" also, but i couldn't bear the thought of the more questionably-photographed articles lying around in my room (if you get my drift).

eating:
collards and yellow summer squash. southern greatness.
salad with salsa-ranch dressing, with sauteed corn, onions, and veggie chicken strips on top
crystal lite slurpies (essential. i am so spoiled since being home, in this if in nothing else)
fresh strawberries, with a little vanilla protein powder sprinkled on top for texture, with a spoon of cream cheese on the side (a healthy alternative to strawberry cheesecake? what can i say? i'm just weird)
ok, here's the fun part. i have been freezing the leftover coffee from the mornings in a cup with the spoon stuck in, to make popsicles, right? it feels more decadent than it really is, plus it takes a long time to finish.
well, today i had one, and it had broken off the spoon and filled about a third of my cup. i poured coke zero over the coffee-pop, filling the cup. (this might sound iffy, but i assure you the flavors really went well together) i then squirted a generous amount on whipped cream on top (generally i try to avoid dairy products, but this is an exception). i sprinkled some cocoa powder and a touch of malted milk powder on top. it was genius! the topping mimicked ice cream pretty well, and it was cold and sweet and yummy too. i think i tricked my brain into thinking it consumed much more carbs than it actually did, so i'm happy.

i was rummaging through my grandmother's abandoned drawers, looking for a sewing kit (to repair my new black vintage bandage skirt!!), and happened upon some more great vintage jewelry, a case of embroidered handkerchiefs, a tortoiseshell hand mirror, and an ancient leather coach tag. small treasures i'm collecting.

hippie love

the other day i was a hippie, before i had my hair dyed again. my friends didn't quite understand, but i knew it was right.
i always feel pictures look better over-exposed. do you?

apologies

i have not been as consistent as i would have wished because my family is siphoning illegal internet and our unsecured network has been disappearing and reappearing. yes.

*makes me happy*

new thrift store shopping. i found more than this- coming soon. these odd beauties were hiding underneath the mens' shoe rack. i caught them sparkling up at me and knew we were meant to be. it is hard to tell from this poor-quality picture, but they are quite comfy, but not worn-in to the point of rattiness, and are white with a subtle metallic shimmer.

also, this darling vintage chair, which had been relegated to the bathroom in a county office building my other had purpose to visit one day. i thought it charming, to be sure.

i have had a fairly long run this evening- my first in about a week, due to my still-angry ankle. coupled with today's driving and general stress, i am exhausted. let me say that although i generally frown upon text messaging as a suitable form of communication, it has its uses. i am thankful for friends, even if our roots are not yet deep and we are greatly separated. a few simple words can give an abundant amount of encouragement. share your words.

lately

hair dye
soccer
old friends
swimsuit
swollen ankle
fresh fruit
sleeping over
worries
rollerblading blisters
time for frivolous relaxation

saturday

our tv seems to have been taken over by spongebob. what horror. my siblings are pretty much parked in front of the television.

8 am farmer's market finds:

flower squash, green beans, and sweet vidalia onions

yellow summer squash and collards

sweet baby orange tomatoes

...

outfit today:

i have this really cute batik halter top that never fit quite right, and i was about to give it away when my mom suggested i try it as a skirt- and it worked! i just rolled down the front chest-area, and belted it high on the waist. genius! worn with soft navy knit banana republic tank and vintage gold drop earrings that you cannot see

i have a part-time job opportunity that i'm really hoping will work out
...
i cherish the lush summer rain

brighten my day

yesterday- major thrifting. vintage dress, shirts, shorts, and bikinis

today- 2 new guppies for my new fish bowl, one in neon yellow and one in orange. a bright pair.

(much more fluorescent in real life)

and fresh fruit. groceries always brighten my day.

farmer's market tomorrow! and we're getting up early.

my woes

y'all ever had one of those days where you're out for a long time and you don't eat or drink much except for some caffeine, then you get home and all evening you have the munchies, despite not really being that hungry? yeah. hopefully my ankle will be better soon so i can start running again. fruit-only fast tomorrow!
...

the finaid department at my college sent me the third-and-final email request for all the financial aid papers they need (that were due in JANUARY!!) long story on that, but basically my dad refuses to fill them out, as the goal of a college education for me languishes before my eyes. there is much, much more i could say, but i won't launch into a tirade. not tonight. ask me about it sometime, though. pray for an intervention.

my summer

brighten my day

my love
the mini Pomeranian puppy, named charles, brought to a Bible study i accompanied my mother to this morning. a perfect ball of joy.

brighten my day
despite a recently turned ankle and shoes well past their prime, i decide to go running. i cannot lose my fitness. for my mother's sake, i compromise: alternate running a half-mile and walking a half-mile for 6 miles total. nearly as soon as i get outside, i as assaulted by the worst stomach cramps i have ever experienced. i did not even want to move. 2 hours later, i returned. my faithful companion: a single daisy, plucked from nearby a fresh-cut soccer field i stopped at, to jog the perimeter a few times, for nostalgia's sake. also, walking on the horse trails (because i feel angry at myself and lame for not running, and want to be more alone), i happen to cross a man, mid-fifties, paunchy, who smiled over at me and said a cheery evening hello, sans creeper-vibes. it made me glad.

hooray for another day, and for God's provision, coming when i least expect it, from the unlikeliest of places.

i'm feeling a lot of things
fashion-wise, i have no money to put into my ideas. i have no resources, and none in the foreseeable future. my dreams are on hold.
or maybe not.
i have literally no idea where God is taking my life next.
but it's hard, being here
feeling overwhelmed. overwhelmingly panicked (at times).
overwhelmingly longing for assurance of God's overwhelming love and affection and direction, and wanting to be drowned in it.
the vision of that is still eclipsed by my fretting over current situations.
does this make me weak? or dumb?
still, i am comforted
and i continue
...

spent time with used-to-be-close friend today. it went well.

this is me (right) with her in the movie theater.

feeling inspired...sort of

first, FOOD
lunch was a mixed salad with avocado dressing
mix 1 bunch romaine, 3 quartered tomatoes, 1c. shredded cheddar, 1 small jar black olives, 3 chopped green onions together
dressing- 4 avocados, half cup mayo (replaceable), 3 tbsp. vegetable oil, salt, 3 cloves garlic, dash lemon juice: puree
toss everything together, presto amazingness!!
my mum picked me up some frozen mango (just the generic-brand, from the freezer section), and i'm telling yall, i'm hooked. frozen fruit, sometimes with a little cream, makes the best warm-weather dessert or anytime snack, hands-down.
dinner was out to chinese for my brother's birthday
in this area there are MANY ethnic restaurants, and a diverse range too, because of all the different peoples that reside in the northern VA. at this chinese restaurant, there were real chinese people eating, so we took that as a really good sign.
i had mo pu tofu, which was basically tofu in sweet-and-spicy sauce with peas and carrots. i was thinking "i could have made peas and carrots at home" but it was still really good.
for dessert we made a trip to coldstone i wasn't planning on. i always get the sugar-free sweet cream flavor, and today my mix-ins were fresh raspberries and coconut. my dilemma: only eat half, since it's already 10pm, and save the rest for tomorrow? or since its already late and i havent worked out already and there's a lower chance of me pigging out on other things since i've already had dinner, go ahead and finish it all?
...
i finished it.
yum
...
all in all, the weekend was pretty good. i went to my high school's graduation on saturday, since i know most of the class (my school is really small, and inter-twined with my church, like family), then hung out with my friend from waaaaaay back (6th through 12th grade), melissa! she slept over at my place, then we hung out again sunday afternoon. all of this was only possible because my dad drove my mom home and stayed with her-normally my job. but boy was it great to get out for awhile.

millsy stays with her grandparents, and we had the first dip of the summertime in their pool

this cracked-out picture is the best yall'll be getting, b/c i dont have a camera yet, and the camera on my phone went all funky. i am now truly stranded, on the camera-front. i feel like a part of me is dead.

clothes!
while waiting for my sister to get out of school, we stopped at salvation army to kill time. did i mention how much i love thrifting?? these photos are a bit sketch, but they are the best i can do. today scored a 80's-ish lemon chiffon-colored mini-dress, which is cotton, and tucked at the waist. also a medium-skinny brown leather belt, which i promptly paired with the dress, some brown sueded flip-flops, and some vintage necklaces, and later wore to dinner. also got 2 better homes and gardens cookbooks from the 50's
no picture, but in ross i got the cutest summery sundress for only $15., yep. its navy with tiny white polka dots, comes right above the knee,with skinny spaghetti straps, a wide sash belt, and a scalloped hem with white lace detailing at the hem and the upper bodice. and it fits like a summer dream.

also spotted these beauties, and decided i might come back for them later. i want some gladiators (bpth flats and heels) something awful, but i'm not quite sure about these, and i dont really have any money anyways, today. what do yall think? the heel is maybe 3 inches...?

im excited for the anti-brass brunette treatment and clear gloss treatment i bought. my hair is dry, puffy, dull, faded - NOT HAPPY. and it needs therapy.

very thankful to have found provident style blog ( http://providentstyle.wordpress.com/page/2/). this gal has good style and a fabulous blogroll i have been exploring all afternoon. favorites include hand it over, 1 2 3 4, and hold in your breath

my future is kind of up in the air right now, and family situations have backfired to culminate in a gloom that i worry i won't be able to shake from over my summer.

i'm meeting with a used-to-be-close-but-college-and-life-changed-things friend tomorrow, and i'm wary. i was hurt. badly. but i do miss this person, in a (sick and twisted?) we-used-to-be-such-good-friends-and-grew-up-together-what-happened? kind of way. wish me luck.

sunday

sleeping in and missing church
cooking a big breakfast
target shopping
baby carrots and pineapple for lunch
first pool-ness of the summer
dinner and a tv movie
running through the outrageous hills of the most decadent neighborhood
9pm smoothies
10 pm coffee for the hour ride home
check post secret
sleep

friday laziness

i was all fired up to do a super-duper packed post, then i fell out of the notion. sorry.
summer fashion post coming soon
i'm going running.

LISTENING:
"Psycho" by Puddle of Mud
"Flashing Lights" by Kanye West
"Hurt" by Johnny Cash

WATCHING:
The Darjeeling Limited
very interesting and quirky, in a cute, i'd-watch-this-again kind of way. stirring the hippie travel monster in me

EATING

home-made guacomole on a bed of fresh greens
lots of apples with peanut butter (crunchy, all-natural)
alfalfa sprouts and fresh raw sugar snap peas with greek tziki dip
fresh strawberries and blackberries with a bit of cream and frozen cool whip
breakfast fruit-and-cream-cheese burritos
schechuan eggplant and tofu
veggie shreds (vegan cheese)
green tea

Guacomole Recipe

4 ripe avocados
3 medium-small tomatoes
1 large vidalia onion
1 package fresh basil
sour cream, hot pepper flakes, garlic, salt and pepper to taste

• chop tomatoes and onions into chunks, whatever size desired
  
• mash avocado
• mix well, but not too much
• add extras. all proportions negotiable
  

hello again

hey yall
it's been a better day today
i got to see a friend, and although i had to split my time with him with his mom and grandmother, i respect how highly he values his family, and it was nice to do something out
went running this afternoon- YAY- taking a new route then usual. i was out for about 35 minutes in the 87 degree, close-to-100% humidity, getting more than a few stares because i looked like this:

except also real sweaty and hot. it was a good run, though. i really like now that my surroundings and circumstances have changed from college, i notice myself exercising more to relieve stress and make my body and mind feel healthier than because i know it's the right thing to do.

i was going to write this earlier, while my self-tanner was setting, but my compy was acting up. i am unabashedly and unashamedly pale, and self-tan regularly. of all the ways to be miserable and die, skin cancer seems to be one of the more obviously stupid ones to invite openly.

sunscreen devotee for life!!
...
WATCHING
Charlie Bartlett

great movie, i must say. looking for something interesting and new, i found mention of this in a magazine somewhere, and proceeded to look it up and download it online. it's a really cute, well-acted re-telling of the high school story...everyone feels like they don't fit in, all any kid wants is to be popular and look like he's got it all together, and tis kid figures it out for himself, but not in the way he expected. he also gets the girl, and makes friends with the resident bully, tard-cart rider, video-game freak, and pretty much everyone else, partially because of his devious schemes and insightful advice-giving.a really sweet movie. my new favorite.

LISTENING:

tyler hilton. i got into his music after looking him up on "imdb" after seeing him in Charlie Bartlett (yep). i was Pretty sure i recognized him from something, and sure enough, he played Elvis in "Walk the Line" (another favorite!). he looks mighty fine as a mohwk-sporting punk bully, or as a young rockabilly elvis, so i thought, let's check out what else he can do. (i didn't recognize him from "One Tree Hill"- i don't watch much tv, certainly not CW soaps!)his music is pop-bluesy old-fashioned "rock", a bit too generic for me, but a nice occasional listen. he has a fine voice.

ALSO LISTENING:

the one and only gwen
"luxurious" and "yummy"

gwen, who, by the way, still looks amazingly SMOKIN despite having kids, a full-time career, touring, and being almost 40! i have a picture of her at the beach that i ripped out of one of my workout magazines, and i put it on my wall for motivation (how dorky am i?) but seriously, i would hope to look half that good when i reach her age (a soaring career, hot rocker husband, and adorable offspring wouldn't hurt either)
...

READING:

a big theme for me lately has been the ins and outs of the [insert strong derogatory adjectives] American food industry. this book has been really enlightening so far. a great read,

definitely a must-read. the truths explained here will shock and abhor you. i have little respect for the willfully ignorant, especially when it comes to health matters. read it!! as soon as you can.

last but not least (actualy,i;ve spent the most time on this one. it's just so easy to melt into...you know how sometimes you'll be reading and you look up and an hour and a half has gone by, and yu've finished this giant chunk of the book, but it seemed like mere moments? yes, it is that good). this is the second in the series...i have to take it in portions so i will actually read my other books, from the library!!!

in other news...
i finally got me rearview mirror re-attached today. hooray!