where is the revolution?

"We forget too often that our lives are just fictions,

that this human life of ours- abstracted from the land, abstract in itself- is not grounded in reality, but in drama, illusion. Our lives are no different from dreams, a scattered blur from one meal to the next, from one conversatio to the next, one megaplex, one strip mall, one coffee cup, one beer, one fix- a ceaseless drifting from sensation to sensation, a constant-sating of the base desires.

We are raised in this 'reality' so its contours are invisible to us. We see each moment but fail to see the unifying thread- the alienation of humanity from nature, the ills of domestication, the dependence of humans upon technological death machines to survive and a growing incapability of these generations of young humans now in possession of the planet to connect to it in any living way. We have lost our ability to experience the grander trends as revealed through the almighty Moment. We cling to our petty satisfactions as a paddler fallen from a canoe clings to the rocks. We do not dare to imagine a life without pizza, ice cream, microwaves, transportation, convenience, comfort, ease.

The 21st century has been to kind to us so far. It holds new horizons for us as an ubersoul and as an uberspecies, but it remains pregnant with disaster. There must be wars, Great Wars, which span all frontiers, in which all are embroiled with conflict: the inner war spilling out into our long-abandoned commons, opening up doorways between en and women to converse freely, tearing down walls between minds and bodies, flesh and the soul. Bottles will be uncorked and men in pajamas will run terrified and buoyant through the streets. If there is not madness, there will be blood, midnight rivers of blood rushing mad like the Mississippi through the markets of the world, stampeding through those who stand still, topling those who once towered above the meek and lowly, lifting the strong and light, buoying them up on its terrible tide..."

Hudson Spivey, Adbusters Summer 2010


live on coffee and flowers

i'm not doing so well, inside my head. i'm overwhelmed with everything. these lyrics are the only words that really make sense to me right now.

The National
"Conversation 16"

I think the kids are in trouble
Do not know what all the troubles are for
Give them ice for their fevers
You're the only thing I ever want anymore
Live on coffee and flowers
Try not to worry what the weather will be
I figured out what we're missing
I tell you miserable things after you are asleep

Now we'll leave the silver city 'cause all the silver girls
Gave us black dreams
Leave the silver city 'cause all the silver girls
Everything means everything

It's a Hollywood summer
You never believe the shitty thoughts I think
Meet our friends out for dinner
When I said what I said I didn't mean anything
We belong in a movie
Try to hold it together 'til our friends are gone
We should swim in a fountain
Do not want to disappoint anyone

Now we'll leave the silver city 'cause all the silver girls
Gave us black dreams
Leave the silver city to all the silver girls
Everything means everything

I was afraid, I'd eat your brains
I was afraid, I'd eat your brains
'Cause I'm evil
'Cause I'm evil

I'm a confident liar
Had my head in the oven so you'd know where I'll be
I'll try to be more romantic
I want to believe in everything you believe
I was less than amazing
Do not know what all the troubles are for
Fall asleep in your branches
You're the only thing I ever want anymore

Now we'll leave the silver city 'cause all the silver girls
Gave us black dreams
Leave the silver city to all the silver girls
Everything means everything

I was afraid, I'd eat your brains
I was afraid, I'd eat your brains
'Cause I'm evil
'Cause I'm evil
'Cause I'm evil


summer catch-all

so, i'm a semi-infrequent blogger. at best. ah well.

returning to my gender studies musings, I've started Queer as Folk season 1, and I'm delightfully outraged with each and every episode (so far). my housemate puts up with me yelling at the television for hours on end.

i saw the national, earlier this week, in detroit. that event merits its own post, for sure.

i'm still reading, simplifying, and tidying up loose ends in preparation of my leaving for OR in 2 weeks (!!)
it will take adjustment, but i look forward to unplugging from the internet and being forced to engage texts and nature with others.

i've been closing out the dance floor, and i got a tattoo.
i'm missing my boys already.

i'm inspired by fall, disposable camera goodness, and breakfast foods (my favorite).



yes please

train hopping
show me the wide-open spaces


incredibly attractive

it's coming across photostreams such as this one that make me realize yes, i am still interested in fashion, and please, can i dress like this all the time? and have beautiful glossy korean hair? ok thanks.

i have not forgotten you

a spot-on observation:

Under the current ‘tyranny of slenderness’ women are forbidden to become large or massive; they must take up as little space as possible. The very contours a woman’s body takes on as she matures - the fuller breasts and rounder hips - have become distasteful. The body by which a woman feels herself judged and which by rigorous discipline she must try to assume is the body of early adolescence, slight and unformed, a body lacking flesh or substance, a body in whose very contours the image of immaturity has been inscribed. The requirement that a woman maintain a smooth and hairless skin carries further the theme of inexperience, for an infantilized face must accompany her infantilized body, a face that never ages or furrows its brow in thought. The face of the ideally feminine woman must never display the marks of character, wisdom and experience that we so admire in men.
Foucault, Femininity, and the Modernization of Patriarchal Power, Sandra Lee Bartky
who truly wants a real woman? who does? the "tyranny of slenderness" poisons the minds of men and women alike.


things you should know

i drink hot cocoa in the summertime

--more posts and pictures coming whenever my internet decides to shape the hell up--


this is how it goes

kicking biology exam ass in the morning
falling in love (via the internets) with crafty decorator men in the afternoons

i found the blog of Daniel Kanter, rising sophomore (fetus!) at NYU, documenting his apartment adventures at Manhattan Nest. i read through the archives. i have great fondness for this kid.

 Daniel made this desk, starting with an old bedside table. how perfect is that chair?

this post highlights my inner struggle between my strong minimalist tendencies-as referenced in other posts- (tangent- one of my close friends told me the other day she was watching Fight Club and many of the lines reminded her of me. so flattering!) and my strong thrift-hunting, crafting, decorating tendencies. whatever will i do? curate, curate, curate! and detach, detach, detach.



oh, DC! and who am I to look to the past? but there it is- in the books I pick up, the blogs and magazines I read, the people I meet. I'm feeling a strong pull back to the East Coast. it's undeniable. and its curious as well- I never really experienced DC the way an adult could, growing up as I did in a conservative community 30 minutes out. and also curious that out of all the places I want to experience, DC should be pulling on me so severely (a repeat location!) but nevertheless, I want to be there so badly. bring me the monuments, the gorgeous W&OD bike trail, bring me Appalachia and the Shenandoah Valley! I did not believe my mother or I would have the money for me to come visit this year- life is so unstable there. but I'm holding out hope.

 I haven't seen the cherry blossoms for four years now
this is a section of the W&OD trail that passes right through the town my family stays in- I biked and ran this stretch many times the summer after my first year of college
more trail
this photo is from the journey of Jack, writer of Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity. I encourage you to read his story from the start of the blog. he embarked on a bike trip across the US, starting right in- you guessed it- DC. this photo was taken in the first week, still riding through Appalachia.

i just want to be back there- it's an ache in my heart
(all photos from google image search, except Jack's)



"Mohammed" by the Dandy Warhols
It came on my ipod as I was walking back to campus
Through the eerie, silent plasticity of midwestern suburbia
Today the skies were heavy with the threat of rain
My body and soul were weary- but I endure, looking forward to deep rest
It just felt right.

Again and again.
I get up and say, I only want to get it right.
I only want to do the right thing, but all these demons harass my soul.
I won't be today, I'm alone again.
No one can make that alive, no one can say they're better not when,
all this freedom you get is a lie.
Again and again.


unschooling: the only real option?


ok, so I know this blog is everywhere, topic-wise. but so am I. it was in ghana, actually, at the u of ghana-accra library, that I happened upon a fascinating book about unschooling and alternative schooling movements. kids are something on the FAR horizon for me, personally, but I think the topic of unschooling is riveting. today I came across the blog Unscool Days, written by a former high school teacher who is now unschooling her own child. This post was her resignation letter from the high school job, and also is a sort of manifesto for why she believes unschooling is the only real option for society's children. Her writing is well-rounded, easy to understand, and I would dare say I agree with her on every point. Have a look.


those days

this post from Adventures in Voluntary Simplicity made me a bit sad, reminding me of the summer days I often wish I was having, and making me miss DC as well.
but it's a good kind of ache
there will be more summers, and more time to be spent in Virginia as well
I'm currently in the process of reading this blog from the start of the journey to the present- I've felt very privileged to be able to read such a raw, honest account of someone's life


behold the wonders

so i just today found the videos of jake davis
he shows the true beauty and charm of each person he shoots
also, he backs them up with music from the likes of the national and the arcade fire
yes, i'm sold.

he has a sharp blog too

sorry- i would embed a few for you, but technology is not my friend today. trust me- follow the link, watch them all!

life lesson #325632

never take plans for granted until they're happening. even then, nothing is certain.


for the boys

you'd do well to read:

-a man "blogging my life on the island of manhattan"
-priorities: the simple things. a bike, good food, the newspaper in the park

-Detroit native writing about the details of fine sartorial vision
-priorities: modern classic lines, versatility, the just-so collar and cuff

(Everett Bogue)
(Colin Wright)

-2 guys who are living the dream and making it work. 
-priorities: minimalism, travelling, quitting the day job and being the real deal. no bullshitting.


-just a sampling of the younger set for fashion and photography
-priorities: lenses, the perfect bag, timeless shoes, the 90's, sunglasses

and there's so much more! but these will get you started.


summer things

first time i've had a chance to relax since summer started.

summer things:
trying to get a decent amount of sleep and failing
long afternoon walks
shunning homework
bike commute
weary mornings
wine on weeknights
free time envy
wading through "the brothers K"
short bursts of cooking
locking up our wallets



source: di$count


its always good

why is it (nearly) every time i'm prompted to update this blog, it's to share something from or pertaining to the national?
because they're so great. every word, every line, perfect for my every day. that's pretty incredible.
my new favorite (off the new album high violet), sorrow:

sorrow found me when I was young
sorrow waited, sorrow won
sorrow they put me on the pill
it's in my honey, it's in my milk

don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water
cover me in rag and bone sympathy
'cause I don't wanna get over you
I don't wanna get over you

sorrow's my body on the waves
sorrow's a girl inside my cake
I live in a city sorrow built
it's in my honey, it's in my milk

don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water
cover me in rag and bone sympathy
'cause I don't wanna get over you
I don't wanna get over you

don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water
cover me in rag and bone sympathy
'cause I don't wanna get over you
I don't wanna get over you

my time is currently being eaten by my gender studies capstone. im steadily working my way through all the great documentary material the Logo channel has on their website, and i'm writing about performances of masculinity and gay stereotypes and breakthroughs in television. finally, material i want to read, talk about, study, (just not quite ready to write yet). i still need to get out of this town, am in desperate need of a change of scenery. but then there's work and planning and money and finding travel companions. nothing ever just "comes together". people you thought would be there for you- aren't. you never see your life heading in the direction that you see it's become. (ok, bringing it back down now). what if i just went off alone, just took off and ended up somewhere new for awhile. 
but i don't think i'm there yet. or maybe i am and i just don't know it. i believe each of us are capable of so much more than we ever trust ourselves with. the future will tell.


here we go

the national is back. i'll need them to get through these next few weeks.


sunday morning

i always believed breakfast was the greatest. it helps to have friends and a cozy kitchen. and peanut butter.
during these past few hours designated "homework time", i've reacquainted myself with some of my favorite cooking blogs. have a look at:


missed you for 29 years

projects; class
rocks on my window
alone in the park
late on the porch
biking in the sun
it's a strange summer


give me focus, give me strength

"Bloodbuzz Ohio", new single by the National:

Stand up straight at the foot of your love
I lift my shirt up
Stand up straight at the foot of your love
I lift my shirt up

I'll rest my eyes till the fevers outta me
I'll rest my eyes to the rivers in the sea
I'll rest my eyes till the fevers outta me
I'll rest my eyes to the rivers in the sea

I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees
I'll never marry but Ohio don't remember me

I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about love when I thought about home
I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about (?) everybody I know

I'm on a blood buzz
Yes I am
I'm on a blood buzz
I'm on a blood buzz
God I am
I'm on a blood buzz

Lay my head on the hood of your car
I'll take it too far
Lay my head on the hood of your car
I'll take it too far

I'll rest my eyes till the fevers outta me
I'll rest my eyes to the rivers in the sea
I'll rest my eyes till the fevers outta me
I'll rest my eyes to the rivers in the sea

I'm on a blood buzz
Yes I am
I'm on a blood buzz
I'm on a blood buzz
God I am
I'm on a blood buzz

I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees
I'll never marry but Ohio don't remember me

I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about love when I thought about home
I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about (?) everybody I know

I'm on a blood buzz
Yes I am
I'm on a blood buzz
I'm on a blood buzz
God I am
I'm on a blood buzz 

album "High Violet" drops tomorrow. streaming here 


my life will resume in approx. a week and a half

work work work work work
keep working like a good little doobie
type type
never sleep


still alive

some recent images keeping me going

well, what can I say? it's still that hellish paper-writing, how-can-i-get-it-all-done-in-two-weeks kind of time. i've been doing some thrifting, limiting myself to only COLOR items, I bought groceries yesterday (which is probably exciting only to me), and I can't foresee getting any sleep anytime soon. family issues and friends crossing each other keep my little mind busy, but i don't feel like putting that up here. i've got many sewing/alteration/knitting projects going which i hope to complete soon. and i have a rant brewing about this town i'm in, the scene here, and how i'll probably graduate early to speed things up a bit. yeah.


searching for some answers

i want difficult in a way i haven't encountered before

i want to be inspired

i want people to do what they say they will, when they say they will

i want this time to pass

i can't shake this headache


well, i haven't been here in awhile
it's been all papers and projects and no sleep
that time of year
i still feel stuck

but oregon is coming
probably all too soon
i'm dangerously pinning many hopes on the semester
seeing as how now, i'm supposed to be in the most engaging classes of my major, and i couldn't be more disinterested or bored
i decided
if i was to do it over
i'd say fuck it (what's practicality in this economy anyways?)
i'd study photography and philosophy
i guess sometimes it takes all four years to see where you should have gone at the start
maybe that's what i'm getting out of all of this
i don't know



busy busy busy busy busy

but i love this


i've cooked and baked

 here's a pretty plating from a few days ago. i've got beet hummus on the right, and cilantro pesto on the right. both of these were blender-intensive, but definitely worth the results! 
recipes here and here.
 a delicious close-up of that hummus

here's the first stage of the cheesecake i made last weekend. the idea came to me one day: pear and salted caramel combination. a winner, for sure. so this is the crust and pear layer.
 so now i've added the cheesecake and more pears and caramel on top.

fresh out of the oven. so, so good.

today was the most wonderful day. biking all over town, breezes and sunshine, open windows, friends and shared meals and thrift store trips. can't i just press repeat?


what mood is this

i can say there's been not a small bit of yelling, lots of cooking, lots of lazy hours, and lots of thinking.
certainly not enough sleep or homework.
some strange kind of spring break.
also, i wrote my first song. it begins:
"I've been staring so much but not really seeing/
The words flow through me but I know I'm not reading"

happy weekend



 (photos are hedi slimane and garance dore)

i know i'm off my posting schedule.
i've had one hell of a rollercoaster birthday weekend, full of drama but also great moments.
i've washed it all off, 
and i'm moving forward.
hello to my 20th year.



actually, i really liked it. i'd heard so much about it before i saw it, and i was expecting it to be much scarier. it is seriously graphic and contains a lot of rough material that not everyone can handle. but i did not feel like the graphic scenes were gratuitous. 

i loved charlotte gainsbourg and willem dafoe's on-screen chemistry. they are both beautiful in their own strange, raw sort of way. i was going to see the film anyways because i have a huge girl-crush on charlotte gainsbourg. i can admit it. i loved the dreamy scenes where she is visualizing herself in the woods. i loved the opera in the beginning and the end. without giving too much away, i loved the core of the plot- how she is studying the persecution of women, who are seen to be inherently evil, and...she ends up believing and embodying what she had been critiquing. adam and eve, garden of eden imagery abounds...it;s not your typical torture/horror film. not at all.

what i didn't love: the talking fox? seriously? and the scene at the end when he looks back over his shoulder and the 3 beggar animals are sitting there watching him, shimmering like obi-wan kenobi and yoda? i laughed out loud. but besides that, it was solid. the women in the tree trunks- genius.

i haven't read many real reviews, but here's the rottentomatoes link. looks like it's all very mixed feelings.

(all photos from google image search)



if you can't tell, i really, really (really) want to dye my hair
preferably that soft lavender from the photo above

(all photos from google image search)


this is england

skinheads, british politics, discontent, growing up, death, government lies, violence, heart

it's all here, in this scrappy little independent film
a semi-autobiographical tale from 1983 UK, a little slice of skinhead reality
spot-on acting, not too tidy and not too glamorized
rotten tomatoes review here 
(photos from google images)


i'm fighting


i'm fighting the feeling steadily through my days
that i'm a slave to my commitments
that all my time has been bartered
and i can't ever get this part of my life back
once it's passed

i know this post is late
i've just been really busy


can't stop listening to

nico and the velvet underground, especially "all tomorrow's parties" 


mumford and sons- listen

discovery, especially "swing tree" 

I've also been reading this music blog, muzzle of bees. the writer loves the national, i love the national, so he's pretty much my type of person.


i've been thinkin'

read this passage that I found in the latest Adbusters magazine:

Now that the thrill of our hyper-connected existence is gone, virtual life has become a depressing daily grind. We toil late into the night, unleashing an endless stream of status updates and tweets in a desperate attempt to keep ourselves relevant, desirable and in. There's an ominous irony in Farmville, a Facebook application that enables users to build and maintain a virtual farm. It's more than a game; it's an allegory. Virtual existence is feudalism for the modern age. Those who hold the information are kings and those of us toiling in the virtual fields are the servile peasantry: selling our souls for the mind-numbing comfort of an online existence.
Social Networking Sites (SSNs) promise limitless, boundless friendship- a phenomenon that should make us happier than ever. But out optimism over connectivity has gradually morphed into cynicism and resentment. It turns out virtual life is less about connectivity than self-branding. SSNs entice us to divulge and update, stroking out fragile egos with filtered ads that utilize our personal information to reap huge profits, as our hundreds of "friends" perpetually rate our online popularity. Paranoid about how we'll be perceived, we spend hour after hour trying to avoid the virtual consequences of being deemed uncool. We have more to worry about than our online acquaintances deleting us after we're tagged in an unflattering photo. Sites like Lamebook, devoted to resposting cliche status updates and socially awkward wall exchanges, humiliate those virtual personas who are unfamiliar with the web's mores and codes.
Bleak, shallow, and repetitive, virtual life seems increasingly less worth living. Users are beginning to realize that it's not leisure, it's work that borders on servitude. But there's a resistance growing among those tired of their virtual subjugation. In response to the electronic world's rising indignation, virtual suicide sites like sepukoo.com and suicidemachine.org have started a countermovement, provoking users to kill their online selves and reclaim their real lives. These programs assist our virtual deaths by hacking into our profiles, completely annihilating our virtual personas and leaving no trace of our former selves behind. It's a social revolt for the online age: a mass uprising that will shatter the virtual hierarchy and restore order to our actual lives.
-Irene Angelopoulos

It's as if I've been waiting for someone to put the words together so I could proclaim them. I actually do use my Facebook a bit for connectivity, but I know exactly the sick syndrome she describes. What exactly are our motivations when we get sucked into spending hours rewording our profile information? It is self-branding. It's exactly that. Naming the powers is the first step to action.
I've been thinking about post-graduation plans, and talking to others about their plans, and...I still don't know anything. I can send hours and hours on websites like Matador and Travellious and WOOFing listings. But I also feel like I shouldn't "waste" my 6-month race period by attempting a journey that I can't earn any money off of. It sounds awful, but I'd rather be unharnessed sooner than later. I'm also fearful that if I enter a farm-to-table chef apprenticeship, I'll be placed in a restaurant and that's where I'll stay. For years.Yes, melodramatic, but not unwarranted. Young people get jobs in a place, meet friends and spouses, and they never end up leaving. So, basically, I still know nothing. But I'm considering teaching English in Japan? Or China? Experience a completely new culture, AND pay off my student loans? Perhaps. Perhaps.


i've cooked

lentil soup (with kale, yogurt, and hot sauce), recipe here 

peppers, onion, and cauliflower in peanut satay sauce

breakfast-for-dinner whole wheat pancakes made by my dear housemate on valentine's day

also, the perfect honey cornbread- recipe here