wow. vegan cheesecake: incredibly delicious.
i'm taking more pictures of the break in film, so they might arrive here or on flickr sooner or later.
no new years plans yet, because i'm just connected like that.

...

some favorite quotes from my so-called life:

"it's just so hard o look at her. she looks like a stranger"

"he's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things"

"what's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere"

"boys can sometimes not know how to be what you want them to be"

"who taught you to hate yourself, from the top of your head, to the soles of your feet?"

"sometimes soemone says something really small, and it just fits right into this place in your heart"

watch. this. show.

newly addicted to: my so-called life. WHY have i not watched this before? i mean, it's been on my list, but now i'm on my 5th episode of the day, and i'm still blown away. i can't stop. the plaid. the instantly relatable characters. and it's so well-written...i'm collecting lines that are just gems. such is the making of a cult classic, i guess. you've gotta watch it.

woudn't mind living somewhere like this
at least for an age

the phone photos don't do it justice, but this suede jacket i thrifted a few days ago is stunning. worn with gray ae nightgown, aa leather leggings and old black boots

...

these slow days fly by.
it's those quiet times, when you think there is nothing going on- that is the unspoken magic.
my mom is going in for radiation today. let's hope they get it all in one go.

listening: "millstone" by brand new

headed for a life of liberation, this kid is...

"Next week he is flying to Memphis, taking a bus to a hardware store to purchase an axe, and going down to the Mississippi River to chop down some trees and build himself a raft. His plan is to then float to New Orleans. He will be alone and without a phone. I asked him what he is going to eat and he plans on catching rats. A well thought out adventure."

... i wish god were alive to see this

...

getting too busy staying up at night so i don't want to get up and run in the sweet mild virginia air like i know i would love to
i've started a flickr. it's still an infant.

this is what a family looks like

they clearly love each other
from i wish god were alive to see this

...

words from mila, at loveology:

some love is lost
some love is never found
so what do i do with all the love i have?
send it into the skies?
write it on every surface possible for strangers to see?
what you don't seem to have realized is that this love was meant for you,
for you to feel that yes,
i would give up everything for you if you needed.
but of course, you don't want it,
so now i am left with suitcases of this
love-turned-hearbreak
while waiting in the rain for someone else
to come and fetch me instead.

i know exactly how she feels. my mind constantly turns to thoughts of love- i cannot get away from it
life taunts me with it, dangles it in front of me
and exploits my anxieties and insecurities in order to further alienate me from the possibility of it.

...

wearing: black h&m shirt, thrifted brown flannel, h&m zipup and scarf, diy bleached jeans, and old black boots.

reading: "Influence", by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. received this as an early Christmas gift, and finished it this morning. definitely worth the time and money- a beautiful addition to my book collection.

eating: baked cinnamon apples and vanilla spice coffee
watching: the wire, while finishing Christmas present projects for friends at school

today feels just like any other day...not that i was really expecting anything different.
i think i will take a walk later.

new love- black diamond rings.

...

quiet day today.
mild library walk- picked up delightful photography books and national geographics
sumatra coffee
christmas cooking
started studding my chucks
cats
more reading.

also, my camera battery died, and tragically i forgot the charger in michigan. so, it's new charger or disposable camera photos. we'll know soon enough

merry christmas to all. i'm sure there are plenty of people celebrating with enough cheer to cover my lack thereof. so please, really, have a lovely time.

wearing: moccassins- thrifted, aa leggings, h&m dress (as skirt), target shirt (altered neckline, and the fabric changes colors!), h&m black cardigan, thrifted jean jacket

...

today-
more thrifting
hectic driving
cardancing
daydreaming
across the universe

my fortune today said "be happy. it's one way of being wise." i thought that was important to hear.

looks like an incredible place. i'd never get anything done, but it's beautiful- we share many inspirations. daniela kamiliotis's studio, via the selby

a LA life. relatable & fantastic.
i'm reading through the archives
i wish god were alive to see this blog

...

this place is toxic. there is none of that nostalgic, cozy, christmastime cheer. it is not home. i don't know if we will ever recover that...and i feel incredibly guilty for trying to escape so soon, into my own plans.

listening to: heimdalsgate like a promethean curse, by of montreal

my new steel-flecked hoodie and funnel scarf, both from mens h&m.worn with old express black jeans and old black boots.
it is gloriously warm here in virginia- around 40 degrees. apparently it stormed bloody murder the night after i left michigan. needless to say, i do not miss it.
the mall was a nightmare. consume! consume! consume!

"you are not alone"...and all that talk

Bad feelings and ugly , stupid , jealous and tantrum-esque conversations. This has to happen? Am I naive to think that even in the midst of all of these problems that we are all better off just being loving and supportive? Is this healing or is the damage just piling up? It doesn't feel healing. I know from past experience that change can be very painful but Christ! I want to help and I want to build positive feelings and I want to be nurturing.

Can I possibly lift someone up when I spend a good portion of my time hating myself?

My values are all fucked up. I have lied to myself and others and minimized my actions for years. This is about actions , because no matter how true my heart my actions have betrayed it. I am over it. I am through lying to myself and others. What I have faced in recent times and will continue to face for the forseeable future makes my old fears seem like nothing. This is happening right now , all the time , every waking moment.

It is incredible the things you learn. It is incredible what emotions can do to you physically. Also , I am getting a little tired of being so angry and hateful towards myself. How can anyone feel comfortable around someone who hasn't forgiven themselves yet?

So today , that's what I am going to try to do. Stop hating myself.

...

this post taken from the now-defunct blog "i wish god were alive to see this". i'm just starting to read, starting at the beginning, but i think i will enjoy it.

dancing in the sweet flapper dress i found in H&M.
LOVE H&M

...

visiting my high school today was weird and strange. i feel totally out of sync with that world.
i'm glad i had a friend to see today- someone who understands a bit.

arrived at my parents house still alive after driving 11 hours straight. finally- it's break.

watching: across the universe. i'd been so excited to see this movie- i knew all the music before i even saw it last year- but then somehow i think i was disappointed? i didn't appreciate it as much the first time around. but i've been listening to a lot of the (wonderful) music again recently, and had a craving for the movie for over a week. so a few nights ago me and a friend took a study break to watch it. whether or not you like beatles music (if not, this movie might convert you), this movie gives a colorful (understatement. correction: psychadelic) presentation of 60's america. and, yes, it is hollywood-glamourized to an extent, but i think, given that factor, it does a competent job at showing the scope of that time period- the joy, the freshness, the horror of war, the anger, the disappointment and confusion, the sorrow, the hope, the love. yeah. it's fantastic. plus i'm an evan rachel wood fan, for sure.

...
Lady Wisdom says,
"my mouth chews and savors and relishes truth- i can't stand the taste of evil...prefer my life-disciplines over chasing after money, and God-knowledge over a lucrative carreer...but if you reject me, you damage your very soul"
Proverbs 8

this just came over me

as cheesy as it sounds
as much as you resist it
to every person:
you are loved

i can't make my brain concentrate. good thing, today is the last day of studying: bad thing, today is the last day of studying.
...
i have that feeling again, like i'm moving towards something magnificent, but also like i'm tragically missing out, like the stars never quite aligned for me to meet the right people at the right time. i want to make these crazy thoughts get out of my head. ths year is so much better than last- i shouldn't be complaining.
...
i also feel like i should post this:

"Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
When I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
It sounded thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay...

almost done, i take long study breaks

watching: the (original) muppet movie. after waxing nostalgic for most of the semester about our childhood-and-continuing love for the muppets, me and 2 friends finally sat down to watch it (another study break, wink wink). my love for the muppets, and this movie in particular, only increased over the most well-spent 95 minutes of my sunday. i noticed so many new things this time through, like the song lyrics, full of wonder, and how the members of the Electric Mayhem were working on transforming an old church into a independent, organic coffeehouse/music venue...also, who else but the muppets could get away with a rowdy bar, assassins, sexist jokes, and drugs in a children's movie? a must-see, definitely.

listen:
"i'm going to go back there someday"
"the rainbow connection"

wearing: thrifted furry jacket, black h&m scarf, new converse cardigan, new amazing skinnies from target, and thrifted navy sneakers

see? ankle zipper detail. i love these jeans.