Bad feelings and ugly , stupid , jealous and tantrum-esque conversations. This has to happen? Am I naive to think that even in the midst of all of these problems that we are all better off just being loving and supportive? Is this healing or is the damage just piling up? It doesn't feel healing. I know from past experience that change can be very painful but Christ! I want to help and I want to build positive feelings and I want to be nurturing.
Can I possibly lift someone up when I spend a good portion of my time hating myself?
My values are all fucked up. I have lied to myself and others and minimized my actions for years. This is about actions , because no matter how true my heart my actions have betrayed it. I am over it. I am through lying to myself and others. What I have faced in recent times and will continue to face for the forseeable future makes my old fears seem like nothing. This is happening right now , all the time , every waking moment.
It is incredible the things you learn. It is incredible what emotions can do to you physically. Also , I am getting a little tired of being so angry and hateful towards myself. How can anyone feel comfortable around someone who hasn't forgiven themselves yet?
So today , that's what I am going to try to do. Stop hating myself.
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this post taken from the now-defunct blog "i wish god were alive to see this". i'm just starting to read, starting at the beginning, but i think i will enjoy it.
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