i have no one
who do i have?
i have no one
nothing i do will satisfy
i am too selfish
a monster

...

i wonder if anyone even reads my words
i figure who would want to? since
my life is not exactly daisies and roses
i try to make the most of it
but i feel like i just end up complaining
what is wrong with me
that i am so dark and twisty?
or
what horrors (trials) does God have in store
for me
after this storm was passed?

will this storm pass?

my day

my day
5 and a half hours sleep
get up 6 am
drive hour to and from dropping siblings off at school, complete with harrowing nagging backseat action from both mom and obstinate 13-yr-old brother
get so frustrated i want to scream
spend most of very short day cleaning house, trying to stay awake
drive 2 hour commute again, minus mom, to pick kids up
try pitifully to comfort my mother, who is having a horrible day with pains from her phantom leg, plus obvious heartache over the out-of-control state of her children
spend an hour on dinner, lure 10-yr-old sister into kitchen to make biscuits to distract her from the ongoing screaming temper tantrum that is her life, this time sparked by double and triple-digit multiplication
relax watching army wives- about 20 mins before i go to help said sister with said evil homework
go to relieve much stress with long bike ride
worst bike ride ever!!!
one bug in each eye, one swallowed, constant runny nose, and my chain came off two times! (i am, of course, helpless when it comes to those chain things and i got home by the mercy of two kind, wiser passer-bys)
more errands, cleaning, tidy up kitchen so the mess doesn't smack me in the face tomorrow morning
and now trying to go to bed, since i have to get up at 6 again tomorrow and do it all over!!

GOOD NEWS

i'm getting my hair done tomorrow!!! woohoo!!! the verdict is still out, however, as to the color- shoot for platinum again,

DEVOTED agyness fan for life

of course, the classic, monroe
...

or try for a medium-golden-brown?

REALLY lovin SJP's color here

we'll see, i guess...wish me luck!!!

my stresses

well, I am EXHAUSTED. this summer existence stopped being relaxing about a week ago, and that was only one week in! today, we (my mom, sister, and I) were out almost all day and i have not had a break. do you know how hard it is to manage a household with a wheelchair?

huge, bulky, annoying thing...so, the steps:

1. hour-long drive to church, with CONSTANT backseat driving from the mother. and i mean the really annoying, blatant, stick-head-in-blender kind. and, i mean, i can't blame her- my mom was in the hospital 5 months and lost a leg to a car accident, but her jumpiness and distrust of me only breeds strife, not help me drive better.
2. load wheelchair out of trunk, get mom in it, wheel her into church (it was the first sunday she had been since the accident, in january, so it was kind of a big deal). sit through church, and everyone swarming her afterwards
3. get mom back in car, re-load wheelchair. believe it or not, this thing is ornery and heavy and this step does not get any easier with time
4. drive half-hour to restaurant, repeat unload process
5. help mom through restaurant and meal, enduring obvious staring
6. re-load into car
7. drive to target, un-load
8. navigate target (and you know we can never go in "just for a few things". it's always a full-blown TRIP, complete with check-all-the-perimeter-for-reduced-items-scavenger-hunt
9. manage sister, cart, bags, and wheelchair, re-load
10. drive to cell phone store, repeat process
11. drive home, unload car and mom
12. getting home, discover that because of taking ONE night off from doing dishes, the house (and immediately, the kitchen) is a COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER because no one else but me, in a family of five (four not counting mom) lifts a finger to do anything
13. spend an hour tidying up kitchen just so i can make dinner
14. go out (walking. and mind you, i've been in heels all day and just changed into sandals) to grocery store with the little sister, who has been begging me for a walk (we'll get back to this later)
15. put away groceries, go on walk for-real
16. get back, do more kitchen stuff, chores, cleaning, etc till realizing i really need to post, even though i must get up at 6 tomorrow morning to take my brother and sister to school, with mom in tow, an hour's commute both ways

AAAEYAH!
now do you see? i believe i can say i know a little bit of what a mom of, say, 2 toddlers and one newborn feels like.

except not with all the warm fuzzies. and i'm not trying to complain, at least not about the mom part. but the everyone else part- yeah, there could definitely be some changes. i know God is shaping me through this, and He has a perfect purpose for each person in my family going through this time, but sometimes i wonder if there was any way i could make it easier...if there is something i am doing wrong...or am i just stuck with this? this life? because, i feel like i am bitter and cynical and critical enough as it is, and with things going the way they are, i just feel like that will get worse. *but only if you let it* says that little voice. yeah, well we'll see.

ok, switching gears, America rant. now, y'all oughta know, i am proud to live here, will be till i die (or move away, he he), and am a very patriotic person, but i am not one of those dopes who mindlessly defends this country's sins and shortcomings. there are definiteley institutions and practices which are wrong, and some that are also very impractical, inefficient, and unfair. three times in the past two weeks have i experienced my money coming up painfully short when at the grocery store, and what was the bulk of my purchases? fruits and vegetables. and, you know, as soon as i can, i'll be hitting up the local farmer's market, but that wasn't an option this time, and Lord knows it would be nice to shop economically in the grocery store! i HATE how backwards the american economy is! almost any other country in the world, what is the cheapest food to buy? fresh, local produce. dirt cheap. it is only the rich (er) who can afford to buy processed foods. but not in america! i get my arm wrenched behind my back and my wallet emptied just trying to buy fruits and vegetables! and the American sad diet lives on...

see? local, fresh markets in spain and south america. the way food should be.

but what do we have?

over-processed, sugar-laden, white-flour, mass-produced, hormone and antibacterial-laced, chemical-flavored, freeze-packed, distance-shipped crap! and don't get me started on the way our animal markets are dominated bu the big boys, so there is practically no free economy left, and how less than 30% of goods nowadays come from independent farmers, and all the devastation caused to towns and families because of the crowding out of little-man, American dream farmers. oh no, we'll save that for another time.

whew! so, hope that gives you something to think about. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! serve someone other than yourself, even if you don;t feel like it. and buy local.

oh. outfit today:
sexy dark grey low v-neck with black trim (urban outfitters men's)
60's vintage-print (blue, white, pink, flowers...meh) skirt, worn high-waisted with navy patent leather skinny belt
medium brown espadrille-style wedge sandals
vintage small gold drop earrings
simple hair
white-and-brown leather coach bag

SORRY no pictures. i was too busy running around to take a phone picture, and am still lacking on the camera front. do your best to imagine me working it, sexy-like.

food, food, and more food

i swear, all i've done today is eat. no exercise. and whole foods is the mecca of my roly-poly existence. only a 5 minute walk away! -sigh. but some things are so expensive! i love all the healthy and ethnic options, but i know since its the only high-end grocery store in my yuppie area, it must be making A KILLING. a major killing. still, i like it. took home 2 big loads of groceries in my reusable canvas-tote bags (how green am i?!) so i came home and made amazing dinner- spicy vegetarian chili, veggie-burger meatballs, and later, banana bread pudding, sort of similar to the picture below.

yep, that good. except BETTER! see, i had made some banana-chocolate muffins which hadn't gotten around to being eaten, so i made them into a pudding with more fresh banana slices and a fresh honey-spice icing. wonderful!

also got some nori (seaweed, like the kind they use for sushi) to toast for snacking. i don't eat potato chips or anything like that, and i tend to go a little crazy when there's nuts around, so this is a nice substitute. you just dry-toast it over the stovetop. its very light and salty with a crisp crunch.

speaking of sushi, i've been talking about it ever since i got home. this is the second time i've been to whole foods and not gotten any. my only two friends here i know probably wouldn't even try it, and i haven't even been able to sell my mom on the idea of some, even if we got the cooked kind. it frustrates me so bad when people just flat-out refuse to try something that could be amazing (and i'm not talking about drugs or purging here, and i'm talking broader than the sushi spectrum). i mean, you only have one life. why limit yourself? if it tastes bad, you spit it out and don't have to deal with it again. continue with life. but what if you end up liking it? again, broader than the range of sushi, i find that no one around me considers the things i think are important to be important. i get fed up when i feel so passionately about certain issues, and it seems that every person i hold close to me could care less, furthering my feelings of isolation.

i did get out today, at least, to push my mom, in the wheelchair, to the grocery store. the trail is just great. i can't stop raving about it. see:

and it just keeps going like that, all the way through virginia. i mean, there is some variation, but i just love it. period.

another thing i love- terry goodkind books. if you love fiction at all, find the sword of truth series, by terry goodkind, in the library. even of you're one of those "i don't like sci-fi, i don't like fantasy" people, trust me. GIVE IT A TRY. i promise, you will tear through this series like whoa. i got the first one in...hmm, i guess it was like early high school. the series is like 10 or 11 long now, enough to keep you occupied for awhile. and i have all of them. and yall, i don't buy many books. only if i plan on readng and re-reading them will i buy, and this has been a a worthy investment. i haven't read through the series since high school, and since i suddenly now have so much free time on my hands, i figure what better time to start? so, i've finished oh...about 374 of the 836 pages in the first book, and will probably read some more before bed. don't be intimidated by the big numbers- you'll be so immersed they'll fly by.

ok, enough of that. jeez, i'm like an info-mercial or something. well...i'm going to go try to do something productive with my evening, and finish my 3 daily liters of water, so i don't feel like so much of a healthy-eating-habits (it's not a diet. i can't call it a diet- there are negative connotations there) disaster. oh, and try not to verbally bludgeon my family (excluding my mother). yep.

later

biking was the perfect thing i needed this evening. my 10 miles were a time of bliss. the sunset path, people of all types, passing deer and rabbits as the sun went down. almost cold the weather was amazing. it makes me so grateful to be alive...how corny does that sound? and speaking of people, how passive-aggressive is the bike trail? sheesh...most of the bikers are pros, and guys too. i always make an effort to get significant eye contact with almost every person i pass in the run of a day, and the trail is no exception...i know other people feel like they are getting sized up just as badly as i do, but that just provokes me to come out even more. and i always send encouraging thoughts and a hint of a smile to the people i pass, especially those who look completely mortified to even be out in public. but then again, i do have to say men in virginia, at least my area, appreciate women. i'm not trying to sound conceited, and no person likes to feel like a piece of meat on display, but i feel a tiny tinge of satisfaction every once in awhile, realizing all my huffing and puffing is not completely in vain...now, only to start making some friends (and lovers?!) out of it...

and on the fashion front: this spring was all 50's menswear. side-parted nerd hair, white mens undershirts, skinny jeans, converses, simple white sandals, cardigans, and pastel colors (if any color at all), working in some 80's styles and high waistlines towards the end. the hair was supposed to be platinum, but going from red, it ended up kind of yellow. (it has to go.)

this summer...still keeping the simple white and jean combo, still like the high waists, 80's neons, nerd glasses...also maxi dresses, keds, upscale gypsy looks. trying to get used to jewelry again, it's been so long. don;t know what to do with the hair...shoot for platinum or try for a beachy brunette. i just dont want to end up green (NOT GOOD).

forecast for the fall: totally mens inspired. sweet hi-tops, graphic hoodies, skinny jeans, vintage tees, high waists. transitioning into winter with muted colors, rich dark brown hair, LOTS OF BLACK. check out gucci ready-to-wear fall 08/09 and mary-kate and ashley olsen's "the row" video (i think it's been around for at least a year, and i still love it) at style.com. also, anyone looking for inspiration, take a browse through the hel looks exhibit. i'm sure you'll find something you love. oh, to live anywhere but america! here's just a sampling of my favorites:

why, oh why, are european men so much steamier and alluring than american ones! europeans can always look infinitely more stoic and nonchalant in photos than americans can. it's just not fair. only one solution- to travel!

useless day

time spent in DMV- 3 hours
useless rude employees- 3
replacement licence received- no!
oh yes, i was pissed
on the plus side, me and my mom got chinese food! woohoo for general tso's-style tofu
think i'm gonna try for a long evening bike. today' sstress levels have been mildly assuaged so far with way too many chemicals and artificial sweeteners

etc

triple posting in one night...GEEZ, i know...let's just say i have a lot of thoughts, and trouble keeping them all to myself, and not very many people to tell them to.
let's see...i LOVE cooking and am seriously considering culinary school after my bachelor's which right now is on an IDIS major, music minor- sort of path
i'm very vegan-friendly and macrobiotic-minded and think it is the healthiest lifestyle, but i'm not going to split hairs over a little cheese or a taste of barbeque once in awhile...i AM a "southern belle" after all (a strong part of my identity that i call upon all the time)...(mind you, the barbeque has to be made the right way, though)
i absolutely loved my intro to philosophy class this past semester and truly have been transformed because of it...every person should start by going out and reading the autobiography of gandhi RIGHT NOW
i have few close friends (maybe because i end to tell things like they are...my life is kind of serious), and my family presents significant problems, to say the least...and my living situation is completely negotiable- hooray!
ok, guess that's it for now...enough for you to chew on, right?

oh! and i love fashion...being eccentric is all part of the fun. and interior design, especially really modern, eclectic styles.

north carolina pulled pork bbq and cole slaw...can't beat it! one of the best comfort food meals ever

me, on the left, singing in campus choir...one of my favorite things to do! i wouldnt trade the near-every-day practice for most anything. we could do without the ancient robes, though.

background

must i give background? no...we'd be here all day. maybe 2 days. you'll have to pick it up, hansel-and-gretel style. so...what do you do when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the "easy" solution would involve you telling your traumatized mother, "hey ma...you really need to get that divorce...like, pronto", and that's just so your mom's friends and church family can step in and help? yep...welcome to amy-world.
oh- so sorry i wont have new pictures. you'll have to do with the archives already on my compy. i know...it's killing me, not having a camera (since my previous one died in march)... but so is life- poor, in my case

lazy evening

well, this is something i have wanted to do for a long time. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve nowadays (it's easier to be frank), especially when typing, so feel free to send me some feedback.