brighten my day

my love
the mini Pomeranian puppy, named charles, brought to a Bible study i accompanied my mother to this morning. a perfect ball of joy.

brighten my day
despite a recently turned ankle and shoes well past their prime, i decide to go running. i cannot lose my fitness. for my mother's sake, i compromise: alternate running a half-mile and walking a half-mile for 6 miles total. nearly as soon as i get outside, i as assaulted by the worst stomach cramps i have ever experienced. i did not even want to move. 2 hours later, i returned. my faithful companion: a single daisy, plucked from nearby a fresh-cut soccer field i stopped at, to jog the perimeter a few times, for nostalgia's sake. also, walking on the horse trails (because i feel angry at myself and lame for not running, and want to be more alone), i happen to cross a man, mid-fifties, paunchy, who smiled over at me and said a cheery evening hello, sans creeper-vibes. it made me glad.

hooray for another day, and for God's provision, coming when i least expect it, from the unlikeliest of places.

i'm feeling a lot of things
fashion-wise, i have no money to put into my ideas. i have no resources, and none in the foreseeable future. my dreams are on hold.
or maybe not.
i have literally no idea where God is taking my life next.
but it's hard, being here
feeling overwhelmed. overwhelmingly panicked (at times).
overwhelmingly longing for assurance of God's overwhelming love and affection and direction, and wanting to be drowned in it.
the vision of that is still eclipsed by my fretting over current situations.
does this make me weak? or dumb?
still, i am comforted
and i continue
...

spent time with used-to-be-close friend today. it went well.

this is me (right) with her in the movie theater.

feeling inspired...sort of

first, FOOD
lunch was a mixed salad with avocado dressing
mix 1 bunch romaine, 3 quartered tomatoes, 1c. shredded cheddar, 1 small jar black olives, 3 chopped green onions together
dressing- 4 avocados, half cup mayo (replaceable), 3 tbsp. vegetable oil, salt, 3 cloves garlic, dash lemon juice: puree
toss everything together, presto amazingness!!
my mum picked me up some frozen mango (just the generic-brand, from the freezer section), and i'm telling yall, i'm hooked. frozen fruit, sometimes with a little cream, makes the best warm-weather dessert or anytime snack, hands-down.
dinner was out to chinese for my brother's birthday
in this area there are MANY ethnic restaurants, and a diverse range too, because of all the different peoples that reside in the northern VA. at this chinese restaurant, there were real chinese people eating, so we took that as a really good sign.
i had mo pu tofu, which was basically tofu in sweet-and-spicy sauce with peas and carrots. i was thinking "i could have made peas and carrots at home" but it was still really good.
for dessert we made a trip to coldstone i wasn't planning on. i always get the sugar-free sweet cream flavor, and today my mix-ins were fresh raspberries and coconut. my dilemma: only eat half, since it's already 10pm, and save the rest for tomorrow? or since its already late and i havent worked out already and there's a lower chance of me pigging out on other things since i've already had dinner, go ahead and finish it all?
...
i finished it.
yum
...
all in all, the weekend was pretty good. i went to my high school's graduation on saturday, since i know most of the class (my school is really small, and inter-twined with my church, like family), then hung out with my friend from waaaaaay back (6th through 12th grade), melissa! she slept over at my place, then we hung out again sunday afternoon. all of this was only possible because my dad drove my mom home and stayed with her-normally my job. but boy was it great to get out for awhile.

millsy stays with her grandparents, and we had the first dip of the summertime in their pool

this cracked-out picture is the best yall'll be getting, b/c i dont have a camera yet, and the camera on my phone went all funky. i am now truly stranded, on the camera-front. i feel like a part of me is dead.

clothes!
while waiting for my sister to get out of school, we stopped at salvation army to kill time. did i mention how much i love thrifting?? these photos are a bit sketch, but they are the best i can do. today scored a 80's-ish lemon chiffon-colored mini-dress, which is cotton, and tucked at the waist. also a medium-skinny brown leather belt, which i promptly paired with the dress, some brown sueded flip-flops, and some vintage necklaces, and later wore to dinner. also got 2 better homes and gardens cookbooks from the 50's
no picture, but in ross i got the cutest summery sundress for only $15., yep. its navy with tiny white polka dots, comes right above the knee,with skinny spaghetti straps, a wide sash belt, and a scalloped hem with white lace detailing at the hem and the upper bodice. and it fits like a summer dream.

also spotted these beauties, and decided i might come back for them later. i want some gladiators (bpth flats and heels) something awful, but i'm not quite sure about these, and i dont really have any money anyways, today. what do yall think? the heel is maybe 3 inches...?

im excited for the anti-brass brunette treatment and clear gloss treatment i bought. my hair is dry, puffy, dull, faded - NOT HAPPY. and it needs therapy.

very thankful to have found provident style blog ( http://providentstyle.wordpress.com/page/2/). this gal has good style and a fabulous blogroll i have been exploring all afternoon. favorites include hand it over, 1 2 3 4, and hold in your breath

my future is kind of up in the air right now, and family situations have backfired to culminate in a gloom that i worry i won't be able to shake from over my summer.

i'm meeting with a used-to-be-close-but-college-and-life-changed-things friend tomorrow, and i'm wary. i was hurt. badly. but i do miss this person, in a (sick and twisted?) we-used-to-be-such-good-friends-and-grew-up-together-what-happened? kind of way. wish me luck.

sunday

sleeping in and missing church
cooking a big breakfast
target shopping
baby carrots and pineapple for lunch
first pool-ness of the summer
dinner and a tv movie
running through the outrageous hills of the most decadent neighborhood
9pm smoothies
10 pm coffee for the hour ride home
check post secret
sleep

friday laziness

i was all fired up to do a super-duper packed post, then i fell out of the notion. sorry.
summer fashion post coming soon
i'm going running.

LISTENING:
"Psycho" by Puddle of Mud
"Flashing Lights" by Kanye West
"Hurt" by Johnny Cash

WATCHING:
The Darjeeling Limited
very interesting and quirky, in a cute, i'd-watch-this-again kind of way. stirring the hippie travel monster in me

EATING

home-made guacomole on a bed of fresh greens
lots of apples with peanut butter (crunchy, all-natural)
alfalfa sprouts and fresh raw sugar snap peas with greek tziki dip
fresh strawberries and blackberries with a bit of cream and frozen cool whip
breakfast fruit-and-cream-cheese burritos
schechuan eggplant and tofu
veggie shreds (vegan cheese)
green tea

Guacomole Recipe

4 ripe avocados
3 medium-small tomatoes
1 large vidalia onion
1 package fresh basil
sour cream, hot pepper flakes, garlic, salt and pepper to taste

• chop tomatoes and onions into chunks, whatever size desired
  
• mash avocado
• mix well, but not too much
• add extras. all proportions negotiable
  

hello again

hey yall
it's been a better day today
i got to see a friend, and although i had to split my time with him with his mom and grandmother, i respect how highly he values his family, and it was nice to do something out
went running this afternoon- YAY- taking a new route then usual. i was out for about 35 minutes in the 87 degree, close-to-100% humidity, getting more than a few stares because i looked like this:

except also real sweaty and hot. it was a good run, though. i really like now that my surroundings and circumstances have changed from college, i notice myself exercising more to relieve stress and make my body and mind feel healthier than because i know it's the right thing to do.

i was going to write this earlier, while my self-tanner was setting, but my compy was acting up. i am unabashedly and unashamedly pale, and self-tan regularly. of all the ways to be miserable and die, skin cancer seems to be one of the more obviously stupid ones to invite openly.

sunscreen devotee for life!!
...
WATCHING
Charlie Bartlett

great movie, i must say. looking for something interesting and new, i found mention of this in a magazine somewhere, and proceeded to look it up and download it online. it's a really cute, well-acted re-telling of the high school story...everyone feels like they don't fit in, all any kid wants is to be popular and look like he's got it all together, and tis kid figures it out for himself, but not in the way he expected. he also gets the girl, and makes friends with the resident bully, tard-cart rider, video-game freak, and pretty much everyone else, partially because of his devious schemes and insightful advice-giving.a really sweet movie. my new favorite.

LISTENING:

tyler hilton. i got into his music after looking him up on "imdb" after seeing him in Charlie Bartlett (yep). i was Pretty sure i recognized him from something, and sure enough, he played Elvis in "Walk the Line" (another favorite!). he looks mighty fine as a mohwk-sporting punk bully, or as a young rockabilly elvis, so i thought, let's check out what else he can do. (i didn't recognize him from "One Tree Hill"- i don't watch much tv, certainly not CW soaps!)his music is pop-bluesy old-fashioned "rock", a bit too generic for me, but a nice occasional listen. he has a fine voice.

ALSO LISTENING:

the one and only gwen
"luxurious" and "yummy"

gwen, who, by the way, still looks amazingly SMOKIN despite having kids, a full-time career, touring, and being almost 40! i have a picture of her at the beach that i ripped out of one of my workout magazines, and i put it on my wall for motivation (how dorky am i?) but seriously, i would hope to look half that good when i reach her age (a soaring career, hot rocker husband, and adorable offspring wouldn't hurt either)
...

READING:

a big theme for me lately has been the ins and outs of the [insert strong derogatory adjectives] American food industry. this book has been really enlightening so far. a great read,

definitely a must-read. the truths explained here will shock and abhor you. i have little respect for the willfully ignorant, especially when it comes to health matters. read it!! as soon as you can.

last but not least (actualy,i;ve spent the most time on this one. it's just so easy to melt into...you know how sometimes you'll be reading and you look up and an hour and a half has gone by, and yu've finished this giant chunk of the book, but it seemed like mere moments? yes, it is that good). this is the second in the series...i have to take it in portions so i will actually read my other books, from the library!!!

in other news...
i finally got me rearview mirror re-attached today. hooray!

i have no one
who do i have?
i have no one
nothing i do will satisfy
i am too selfish
a monster

...

i wonder if anyone even reads my words
i figure who would want to? since
my life is not exactly daisies and roses
i try to make the most of it
but i feel like i just end up complaining
what is wrong with me
that i am so dark and twisty?
or
what horrors (trials) does God have in store
for me
after this storm was passed?

will this storm pass?

my day

my day
5 and a half hours sleep
get up 6 am
drive hour to and from dropping siblings off at school, complete with harrowing nagging backseat action from both mom and obstinate 13-yr-old brother
get so frustrated i want to scream
spend most of very short day cleaning house, trying to stay awake
drive 2 hour commute again, minus mom, to pick kids up
try pitifully to comfort my mother, who is having a horrible day with pains from her phantom leg, plus obvious heartache over the out-of-control state of her children
spend an hour on dinner, lure 10-yr-old sister into kitchen to make biscuits to distract her from the ongoing screaming temper tantrum that is her life, this time sparked by double and triple-digit multiplication
relax watching army wives- about 20 mins before i go to help said sister with said evil homework
go to relieve much stress with long bike ride
worst bike ride ever!!!
one bug in each eye, one swallowed, constant runny nose, and my chain came off two times! (i am, of course, helpless when it comes to those chain things and i got home by the mercy of two kind, wiser passer-bys)
more errands, cleaning, tidy up kitchen so the mess doesn't smack me in the face tomorrow morning
and now trying to go to bed, since i have to get up at 6 again tomorrow and do it all over!!

GOOD NEWS

i'm getting my hair done tomorrow!!! woohoo!!! the verdict is still out, however, as to the color- shoot for platinum again,

DEVOTED agyness fan for life

of course, the classic, monroe
...

or try for a medium-golden-brown?

REALLY lovin SJP's color here

we'll see, i guess...wish me luck!!!

my stresses

well, I am EXHAUSTED. this summer existence stopped being relaxing about a week ago, and that was only one week in! today, we (my mom, sister, and I) were out almost all day and i have not had a break. do you know how hard it is to manage a household with a wheelchair?

huge, bulky, annoying thing...so, the steps:

1. hour-long drive to church, with CONSTANT backseat driving from the mother. and i mean the really annoying, blatant, stick-head-in-blender kind. and, i mean, i can't blame her- my mom was in the hospital 5 months and lost a leg to a car accident, but her jumpiness and distrust of me only breeds strife, not help me drive better.
2. load wheelchair out of trunk, get mom in it, wheel her into church (it was the first sunday she had been since the accident, in january, so it was kind of a big deal). sit through church, and everyone swarming her afterwards
3. get mom back in car, re-load wheelchair. believe it or not, this thing is ornery and heavy and this step does not get any easier with time
4. drive half-hour to restaurant, repeat unload process
5. help mom through restaurant and meal, enduring obvious staring
6. re-load into car
7. drive to target, un-load
8. navigate target (and you know we can never go in "just for a few things". it's always a full-blown TRIP, complete with check-all-the-perimeter-for-reduced-items-scavenger-hunt
9. manage sister, cart, bags, and wheelchair, re-load
10. drive to cell phone store, repeat process
11. drive home, unload car and mom
12. getting home, discover that because of taking ONE night off from doing dishes, the house (and immediately, the kitchen) is a COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER because no one else but me, in a family of five (four not counting mom) lifts a finger to do anything
13. spend an hour tidying up kitchen just so i can make dinner
14. go out (walking. and mind you, i've been in heels all day and just changed into sandals) to grocery store with the little sister, who has been begging me for a walk (we'll get back to this later)
15. put away groceries, go on walk for-real
16. get back, do more kitchen stuff, chores, cleaning, etc till realizing i really need to post, even though i must get up at 6 tomorrow morning to take my brother and sister to school, with mom in tow, an hour's commute both ways

AAAEYAH!
now do you see? i believe i can say i know a little bit of what a mom of, say, 2 toddlers and one newborn feels like.

except not with all the warm fuzzies. and i'm not trying to complain, at least not about the mom part. but the everyone else part- yeah, there could definitely be some changes. i know God is shaping me through this, and He has a perfect purpose for each person in my family going through this time, but sometimes i wonder if there was any way i could make it easier...if there is something i am doing wrong...or am i just stuck with this? this life? because, i feel like i am bitter and cynical and critical enough as it is, and with things going the way they are, i just feel like that will get worse. *but only if you let it* says that little voice. yeah, well we'll see.

ok, switching gears, America rant. now, y'all oughta know, i am proud to live here, will be till i die (or move away, he he), and am a very patriotic person, but i am not one of those dopes who mindlessly defends this country's sins and shortcomings. there are definiteley institutions and practices which are wrong, and some that are also very impractical, inefficient, and unfair. three times in the past two weeks have i experienced my money coming up painfully short when at the grocery store, and what was the bulk of my purchases? fruits and vegetables. and, you know, as soon as i can, i'll be hitting up the local farmer's market, but that wasn't an option this time, and Lord knows it would be nice to shop economically in the grocery store! i HATE how backwards the american economy is! almost any other country in the world, what is the cheapest food to buy? fresh, local produce. dirt cheap. it is only the rich (er) who can afford to buy processed foods. but not in america! i get my arm wrenched behind my back and my wallet emptied just trying to buy fruits and vegetables! and the American sad diet lives on...

see? local, fresh markets in spain and south america. the way food should be.

but what do we have?

over-processed, sugar-laden, white-flour, mass-produced, hormone and antibacterial-laced, chemical-flavored, freeze-packed, distance-shipped crap! and don't get me started on the way our animal markets are dominated bu the big boys, so there is practically no free economy left, and how less than 30% of goods nowadays come from independent farmers, and all the devastation caused to towns and families because of the crowding out of little-man, American dream farmers. oh no, we'll save that for another time.

whew! so, hope that gives you something to think about. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! serve someone other than yourself, even if you don;t feel like it. and buy local.

oh. outfit today:
sexy dark grey low v-neck with black trim (urban outfitters men's)
60's vintage-print (blue, white, pink, flowers...meh) skirt, worn high-waisted with navy patent leather skinny belt
medium brown espadrille-style wedge sandals
vintage small gold drop earrings
simple hair
white-and-brown leather coach bag

SORRY no pictures. i was too busy running around to take a phone picture, and am still lacking on the camera front. do your best to imagine me working it, sexy-like.