contemplate this

WATCHING: "into the wild"

this is a must-see. i can't put into words right now what an impact this movie has made on me. based on a true story (really!), great screenplay (sean penn), spot-on acting (emile hirsch), resonating bottom line. in a word, i was riveted. no spoilers here, not even plot teasers. just watch it, and be changed.

my wild

ok, one confession: if there is ice cream here, i will eat it. i blame it on my insane sweet tooth and pitiful lack of sugar-free desserts at calvin college. yes, i only eat the sugar-free kind, but it still isn't very good for my body, i know.

...

that aside,

you know, i had always had high hopes for college. especially towards the end of high school, given my home situation, and bolstered by the security of my good grades, i really looked foward to it. but if any of you really know me, you know the year has not been good to me. and, yes, it could always be worse, and i am grateful for what i have. but i wanted it all. the mental stimulation, going to athletic games, the rich tradition, standing in the hallowed halls of old, the camaraderie of floors and dorms, the going out and mixing on the weekends. i guess i got a bit of that in small doses, but generally i felt like the campus was...i don't know, passing me by? and i only got the scraps, when, by all rights, wasn't i entitled to reach out and grab everything i wanted to satisfy my expectations for what was supposed to be "the best years of my life"? (it is costing me upwards of $30,000 a year for this "experience", you know) i don't want to sound like a whiny spoiled brat, but the thought has occured to me

maybe i'm just not cut out for this college thing

or maybe just not at the campus i was at last year

it's a great school. with amazing people and intentions. this i know. i also know that many times in life, you have to make the most of it, and really strive to actively create the life you dream for yourself. but i was exhausted with the effort of banging against my glass ceiling, day after day, week after week.

i say all of this to say

i think in our day and age we have lost sight of the charm and natural appeal of living naturally, off of the land, not collecting things to excess, but practicing the discipline of continually paring down our lives so we may even more fully appreciate God's glory, evident here on earth. today i have been inspired yet again to just go. see the world, and don't worry about tomorrow. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), i have quite a few many anchors to life as i know it- anchors not easily let go. and anyway, i do not think i could go at it alone. though i am experiencing, in leaps and bounds, the simple pleasure of being able to delight in oneself's own company, i do not in any way intend for that to be permanent. more the opposite, Lord-willing. but anyway. i'm not stupid. i know the cruciality of a rigorous college education, and connections, and structure, and church family, and neighborhood, and financial planning, and all of that. i guess there are two amys. and i really, really wanted to be that first one i spoke of earlier, and just enjoy travel as a leisure perk of my great career. but now, the second amy seduces me. some might feel i just want to run from my responsibilities, or live as a bum and cover it with hippie-talk rubbish. but i really don't feel that way at all.

and what is a real hippie, anyway? the word has such negative connotations (at least, in my local area) i think it's more of a mindset, just like punk and goth, and even lolita and jetsetter and gangster. they are characterized by a certain movement and maybe some vivid stereotypes, but really it's all in the mind. it's all in the mind.

the scent of nighttime blooms was lifted in the air through my open windows on the lonesome ride home

i want to go road tripping
take me anywhere

2 words

two words for me today: watermelon glutton

rain

driving the hour home
it is a dark night
it had been storming all afternoon
the lingering spatters were misting still
i surrender to the longing
and open the windows
and i am in sensory bliss
the overwhelming humidity
tempered with cool cool night breeze
the salty sheen of the air tempts my mind
into beach locales
lake houses
island walks
then i realize
i am still here
it has only been raining

a craving...actually 2

i believe the Devil can use facebook to make a person feel very lonely and cynical. no one's life is as carefree and hearty as the internet makes it out to be.

...

i'm having a strange lord of the rings craving. i feel a marathon coming on...

tumult

i feel awful.
unwillfully shedding the friendship of someone i once loved (for quite some time) is one more dagger through the heart.
it is not easy,
especially when i feel like i am in more need now than i have ever been (probably true).
just add it to the list...

eccentric solitude

one of my new-found eccentricities: barely-crisp hunks of steamed cabbage (wonderful!) dipped in -yes- barbecue sauce (try trader joe's all-natural brand for best results).

...

in other news, my spirit is crushed today.
i am cut down, just cut down.
the person of whom i have been the biggest fan, to whom i have been wholly faithful, has accused me of some horrible things yesterday and today
and it just hurts.
take my heart, my time, my labor, cut it painfully into tiny pieces, run it over with a giant suv, mash it into a pulp, and hurl it against the spiked wall, leaving it to drip and drop in bits onto the chilled, lonely floor.
that is what it feels like.

whoa! triple-post

i know, i know, but look-

europeans are just so BA. and i think they have way less body issues than americans. they just put it out there, and look great doin it. even if they happen to have less-than-perfect bodies (which it seems like not many do), they still cultivate individual style and keep it classy, all the time. now, that's attractive.

and i just love this outfit for fall. i'm not entirely sure i agree with the super-high-rise of the skirt, and the lack of belt, but i'm lovin the colors, and the socks and cute shoes. i definitely have gotten on the high-waisted bandwagon, albeit kind of late. what can i say? europeans will always be ahead of the curve, for me.

[photos courtesy of the amazing facehunter]

goals

i want

to meditate, so i can learn to be comfortable with the company of my own mind- and not try to tune it out with music, company, or books
to recognize my impulsive anger as something to be harnessed and pondered, before i decide to act upon it
to tame my spirited steed, and thus do away with much grief and stress in my little world
to be able to acknowledge damaging, negative thoughts as they enter my head, and then neatly dismiss them
to live in the present, presently aware of my body, my mind, and everything around me
to practice constant communion with God, instead of relegating Him to the few minutes before sleep
to relish and truly experience my food, instead of inhaling it
to work out smarter and push myself longer, but for the right reasons
to be a success in life, for God and for the world, not just my wallet
to have picture-book days and fairytale nights
to be a blessing to those who encounter me
to always remember there is more to life than my small, small world

...

a great text that has really helped in getting me through this week is where, in the Bible (not exactly sure what verse...?) Jesus says that whatever we do for "the least of these", we are doing for Him. exempting my mother, i will be honest and say i have a relatively low respect for the other members of my family, and this verse reminds me that no matter what i think of them, i should be a servant to them as if it were Jesus himself, sitting right in front of me. hope this help y'all too.